Wednesday, August 16, 2006

"Can You Revive Lost Feelings?" by Randy Hurlburt

Recently a friend asked me, "Is it possible to revive lost feelings?" And my answer was, "It depends." Since many other people have also wondered if love can be revived, it's worth considering the possibilities:

1. If the feelings are true feelings, and if they were lost because one or the other partner was immature (causing fear and/or poor treatment), and if they are both willing to work on those immaturities, then the answer is "Yes, the feelings can be revived."

In the situation with my friend, the relationship had lasted for 3 ½ years. She wanted it to continue, but he wasn't sure. He said he still felt "warm" towards her, but not like it was at the beginning. He displayed a variety of signs of immaturity, such as failure to call when he promised, missing dates, making her wait, disappearing, etc. Also, after 3 ½ years he may have been feeling an internal pressure to decide "yes or no" about this relationship. Given his immaturities and inexperience, this may have been causing a lot of anxiety and it was easier for him to run away than to stay and face the very real difficulties of a more serious relationship.

All-in-all he did not treat her well, and this caused her pain. She wanted to know if love could be revived, and I said "it depends." To me it looked like she was probably up against mixed feelings. It will not be easy for him to change (grow up), and there's no guarantee he will. Neither will it be easy for her to deal with the continuing pain (she will have to grow up also). Insight (and patience) will help.

©2005 Randy Hurlburt

Randy Hurlburt is an internationally acclaimed relationship coach, speaker, and author of Love Is Not A Game (But You Should Know The Odds). His book was a finalist for "Best Psychology/Self-Help Book" in the 2005 Benjamin Franklin Awards. Love Is Not A Game is about why good love (and good sex) are so hard to find, and includes tools to measure romantic chemistry and emotional maturity.

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