My Love For You Is Blind.

“It's paradoxical that the only person who can make you stop crying is the one who made you cry in the 1st place.”

Rogers and I are not back together. He doesn't love me anymore. Yep, that's what he told me. I never thought it was possible. If we had been fighting for a long time about the same issues over and over again, then YES... he would lose feelings for me eventually. He would be so tired of me... tired of fighting... but it has only been 5 months, yo. It's the shortest relationship I've ever had with a guy. But I've never loved anyone else as much as I love Rogers... that's why it hurts real bad this time.

He said he would love me forever and always. He said he loved me more than anyone else in the world. He said he would never leave me. He said he couldn't live without me. He said he would never hurt me like Remon and Eric did. He said he was lucky to have me. He said he would spend the rest of his life with me.

HE SAID this... HE SAID that...

Talk about empty promises.

"Don't hold my hand if you're going to let it go. Don't ever say "I love you" if you're going to leave me alone."

After what Rogers did to me, I realized that you can never claim that you truly KNOW someone cuz ppl can change so drastically overnight. They are absolutely capable of becoming ppl we dunno anymore. It's really scary. I usta have a hard time trusting ppl... especially MEN... but Rogers changed all that. He made me wanna be someone better and he made me trust ppl more... and I trusted him. Trust is built over time, okie. I didn't trust him 100% in the beginning but then I began to trust him more and more... slowly but surely.

But once again, Rogers has proven that all guys are the same. They're sweet to you when they want something from you... when they feel that they need you in their lives... but when they dun feel like being in a relationship anymore, they just leave... instead of solving the problems!

Han said he's immature. I mean, it's obvious to EVERYBODY that he's immature. You hafta put in a lotta effort in order to make a relationship work, right? C'mon... some ppl stay together for years altho they argue almost everyday. Why? That's because they know that being in a relationship is NOT always a bed of roses! I can't say that he didn't put in any effort but he gave up on me too fast.

I dun blame him for not knowing what true love is all about. I dun blame him for not knowing what to do when he's being confronted about certain things that a girl needs... due to his lack of experience in relationships. I was his 1st official gf after all. I just wish he would snap out of this soon enough. If he runs away everytime someone like me challenges him intellectually, he'll die a lonely man.

I can't believe he still thinks he's doing the right thing. Maybe he just needs some time and space to come to his senses. I wonder where his conscience is. Maybe he sold his soul to the devil. Or maybe his stressful job had turned him into an emotionless robot. Either way, I DO NOT deserve to be treated this way.

Despite everything I just said, I still love him with all my heart and soul. I can never hate him. He's someone who had changed my life for the better. I still defend him everytime someone says something bad about him.

Why don't I despise him, you wonder?

BECAUSE I KNOW HIM.

I KNOW he's not a heartless person. I accepted him for who he was... his flaws included. But he constantly used MY flaws as reasons to break up with me. Obviously he has flaws too but I forgave him everytime he screwed up. Why didn't he accept me for who I was? Why did he leave me just like that? How could he just say, "I've lost feelings for you. I think you're demanding. Maybe we're just not meant to be." Hello... demanding??? I only wanted him to be more expressive! Mavis expects a lot from Calvin too but Calvin is still with her. Why? That's because they're willing to give and take. They compromise. Nobody gives up a relationship after only a few months. Only cowards do that, seriously.

I didn't expect a lot from Rogers, okie. I just wanted him to speak my love languages as I was trying my best to speak HIS. Everybody has different needs and wants... so everybody speaks different love languages. I was trying to make him understand that.

If he loved me as much as he claimed he did, he wouldn't have given up on me so easily. May I remind you that I never really wanted to change for Eric? I tried to change but I couldn't. Everybody who knows me can tell that I've changed for the better since Eric left me. When Eric broke up with me, he told me that I had been a wonderful gf to him but because we lost the trust, we were better off separated.

When I got together with Rogers, Eric believed in me. He said I would make a great gf to Rogers because of my past experiences... because I had learnt from my past experiences. Eric knew me well enough to say that. In fact, ppl around me believed in me. They were happy that I finally found my Mr. Right. Did you know that I was a better gf to Rogers than to Eric? Many ppl could see that. It's sad that Rogers didn't feel that way. I'm disappointed that he's not giving me a chance to show him what love is all bout.

His best friends and his sisters dun understand why he left me cuz he seemed so happy with me. He was so proud to introduce me to his friends and family in the beginning of our relationship. Btw, his 3 sisters told me that they're very sad about what happened. They said their bro won't be able to find someone better than me... cuz I'm already the best. I burst into tears when Joanne told me that. This breakup is too sudden and too baffling for me to accept cuz I know he's better than this.

Joanne just told me that her bro is still keeping my pics and my songs in the PC. But I told her that he just didn't have the time to go home and delete them. It's not like he wants to keep them cuz he still loves me or anything... *sighs* Joanne seemed really upset that I'm no longer Rogers' gf. She kept telling me that he would come back to me someday... =/ Only heaven knows...

Before we started dating, I blogged about him a lot. I remember posting about how sweet he was and how I never felt this way about any other guy before. Go browse thru my blog archives. Read everything from February 2006 onwards. Scroll down now and search for the post entitled "Walking Down Memory Lane...". It was posted on August 1st. Look at all the pics we took together. Our love story was like a fairy tale... a dream come true... but now, not only my dreams are shattered but my heart as well.

When I wake up in the morning, my heart feels really heavy. I see him every night in my dreams. Sadness overwhelms me when I wake up cuz I know now that only in my dreams, I get to hold him in my arms. I cry myself to sleep every night. I always have flashbacks when I'm awake. All these things are beyond my control.

I've said and done everything I could to make him see how important he is to me. But he's so determined to leave me. I've never been this depressed in my 21 years of life. The happiest days of my entire life were the days I spent with him. He's my reason for happiness. Now that he's gone, I'm no longer the happy girl that I usta be. I miss being with him. I miss spending quality time with him. I miss going to the hill with him. I miss everything about him.

I literally stopped being happy the day he said he didn't love me anymore. Please believe me when I say that I've been trying my best to move on. I hang out with my closest friends... do stuff I like... read books... talk to ppl... plan for my future... I did them all. But there's NOTHING in this world that can ever fill this void in my heart where Rogers usta be.

I never thought I would say this... but I can't live without him. I just can't. I DUN WANNA live without him cuz my life has become meaningless ever since he left me.

I haven't been sleeping well. I look damn haggard. I'm a friggin' ciggy hoe because of him. Nothing to be proud of, I know. But when ppl are depressed, they do stuff they dun usually do. I've lost touch with myself. I dun even know who I am anymore. A part of me died the day he stopped loving me.

I'm praying for a miracle to happen. Next Friday (August 25th) would have been our 6th Month Anniversary. I pray that we'll celebrate this special day together... and I pray that God will soften his hardened heart.