Tuesday, August 15, 2006

My Love For You Is Blind.



“It's paradoxical that the only person who can make you stop crying is the one who made you cry in the 1st place.”


Rogers and I are not back together. He doesn't love me anymore. Yep, that's what he told me. I never thought it was possible. If we had been fighting for a long time about the same issues over and over again, then YES... he would lose feelings for me eventually. He would be so tired of me... tired of fighting... but it has only been 5 months, yo. It's the shortest relationship I've ever had with a guy. But I've never loved anyone else as much as I love Rogers... that's why it hurts real bad this time.

He said he would love me forever and always. He said he loved me more than anyone else in the world. He said he would never leave me. He said he couldn't live without me. He said he would never hurt me like Remon and Eric did. He said he was lucky to have me. He said he would spend the rest of his life with me.

HE SAID this... HE SAID that...

Talk about empty promises.

"Don't hold my hand if you're going to let it go. Don't ever say "I love you" if you're going to leave me alone."

After what Rogers did to me, I realized that you can never claim that you truly KNOW someone cuz ppl can change so drastically overnight. They are absolutely capable of becoming ppl we dunno anymore. It's really scary. I usta have a hard time trusting ppl... especially MEN... but Rogers changed all that. He made me wanna be someone better and he made me trust ppl more... and I trusted him. Trust is built over time, okie. I didn't trust him 100% in the beginning but then I began to trust him more and more... slowly but surely.

But once again, Rogers has proven that all guys are the same. They're sweet to you when they want something from you... when they feel that they need you in their lives... but when they dun feel like being in a relationship anymore, they just leave... instead of solving the problems!

Han said he's immature. I mean, it's obvious to EVERYBODY that he's immature. You hafta put in a lotta effort in order to make a relationship work, right? C'mon... some ppl stay together for years altho they argue almost everyday. Why? That's because they know that being in a relationship is NOT always a bed of roses! I can't say that he didn't put in any effort but he gave up on me too fast.

I dun blame him for not knowing what true love is all about. I dun blame him for not knowing what to do when he's being confronted about certain things that a girl needs... due to his lack of experience in relationships. I was his 1st official gf after all. I just wish he would snap out of this soon enough. If he runs away everytime someone like me challenges him intellectually, he'll die a lonely man.

I can't believe he still thinks he's doing the right thing. Maybe he just needs some time and space to come to his senses. I wonder where his conscience is. Maybe he sold his soul to the devil. Or maybe his stressful job had turned him into an emotionless robot. Either way, I DO NOT deserve to be treated this way.

Despite everything I just said, I still love him with all my heart and soul. I can never hate him. He's someone who had changed my life for the better. I still defend him everytime someone says something bad about him.

Why don't I despise him, you wonder?

BECAUSE I KNOW HIM.

I KNOW he's not a heartless person. I accepted him for who he was... his flaws included. But he constantly used MY flaws as reasons to break up with me. Obviously he has flaws too but I forgave him everytime he screwed up. Why didn't he accept me for who I was? Why did he leave me just like that? How could he just say, "I've lost feelings for you. I think you're demanding. Maybe we're just not meant to be." Hello... demanding??? I only wanted him to be more expressive! Mavis expects a lot from Calvin too but Calvin is still with her. Why? That's because they're willing to give and take. They compromise. Nobody gives up a relationship after only a few months. Only cowards do that, seriously.

I didn't expect a lot from Rogers, okie. I just wanted him to speak my love languages as I was trying my best to speak HIS. Everybody has different needs and wants... so everybody speaks different love languages. I was trying to make him understand that.

If he loved me as much as he claimed he did, he wouldn't have given up on me so easily. May I remind you that I never really wanted to change for Eric? I tried to change but I couldn't. Everybody who knows me can tell that I've changed for the better since Eric left me. When Eric broke up with me, he told me that I had been a wonderful gf to him but because we lost the trust, we were better off separated.

When I got together with Rogers, Eric believed in me. He said I would make a great gf to Rogers because of my past experiences... because I had learnt from my past experiences. Eric knew me well enough to say that. In fact, ppl around me believed in me. They were happy that I finally found my Mr. Right. Did you know that I was a better gf to Rogers than to Eric? Many ppl could see that. It's sad that Rogers didn't feel that way. I'm disappointed that he's not giving me a chance to show him what love is all bout.

His best friends and his sisters dun understand why he left me cuz he seemed so happy with me. He was so proud to introduce me to his friends and family in the beginning of our relationship. Btw, his 3 sisters told me that they're very sad about what happened. They said their bro won't be able to find someone better than me... cuz I'm already the best. I burst into tears when Joanne told me that. This breakup is too sudden and too baffling for me to accept cuz I know he's better than this.

Joanne just told me that her bro is still keeping my pics and my songs in the PC. But I told her that he just didn't have the time to go home and delete them. It's not like he wants to keep them cuz he still loves me or anything... *sighs* Joanne seemed really upset that I'm no longer Rogers' gf. She kept telling me that he would come back to me someday... =/ Only heaven knows...

Before we started dating, I blogged about him a lot. I remember posting about how sweet he was and how I never felt this way about any other guy before. Go browse thru my blog archives. Read everything from February 2006 onwards. Scroll down now and search for the post entitled "Walking Down Memory Lane...". It was posted on August 1st. Look at all the pics we took together. Our love story was like a fairy tale... a dream come true... but now, not only my dreams are shattered but my heart as well.

When I wake up in the morning, my heart feels really heavy. I see him every night in my dreams. Sadness overwhelms me when I wake up cuz I know now that only in my dreams, I get to hold him in my arms. I cry myself to sleep every night. I always have flashbacks when I'm awake. All these things are beyond my control.

I've said and done everything I could to make him see how important he is to me. But he's so determined to leave me. I've never been this depressed in my 21 years of life. The happiest days of my entire life were the days I spent with him. He's my reason for happiness. Now that he's gone, I'm no longer the happy girl that I usta be. I miss being with him. I miss spending quality time with him. I miss going to the hill with him. I miss everything about him.

I literally stopped being happy the day he said he didn't love me anymore. Please believe me when I say that I've been trying my best to move on. I hang out with my closest friends... do stuff I like... read books... talk to ppl... plan for my future... I did them all. But there's NOTHING in this world that can ever fill this void in my heart where Rogers usta be.

I never thought I would say this... but I can't live without him. I just can't. I DUN WANNA live without him cuz my life has become meaningless ever since he left me.

I haven't been sleeping well. I look damn haggard. I'm a friggin' ciggy hoe because of him. Nothing to be proud of, I know. But when ppl are depressed, they do stuff they dun usually do. I've lost touch with myself. I dun even know who I am anymore. A part of me died the day he stopped loving me.

I'm praying for a miracle to happen. Next Friday (August 25th) would have been our 6th Month Anniversary. I pray that we'll celebrate this special day together... and I pray that God will soften his hardened heart.

18 comments:

michsue said...

thanks, bin... i know u guys love me and all... but i do believe in miracles... next week on the 25th... would have been our 6th month anniversary... i'm praying for a miracle to happen... i pray that we will celebrate our 6th month anniversary together... =) many ppl have been telling me to move on... but i will wait for him to come back... i believe he will...

[ s y e n ] said...

hey. long time since i came here to read due to uni stuff. must say i'm shocked over the suddenness of ur breakup. ><"

anyway, just remember that Jesus loves you more than anyone in this world and He's always there for you. So just turn yourself into His arms and let Him take your sadness away.

hope you feel better soon.

God bless

michsue said...

thank you, syen...

i must say that God has been a faithful Friend all this while... i'm gonna cast all my cares upon Him from now on... =) it was stupid of me to blame Him for what happened... i really should thank God for making me realize a few things about life... and about myself... adversity really does build character... ;) i'll be okie... dun worry bout me... i'm more than a conqueror, remember... i'm an overcomer!

sunny said...

I'm going thru the same thing myself. It's been just over a month since we broke up. The sadness still seeps through every now and then.

I find it hard to move on cos his friends and sister are still friends with me. And I still bump into him occassionally. I wish we can be together again but I just don't think that would ever happen.

I do feel lonely, especially since I don't really have many friends that I can hang out with. And that adds to the pain even more. Sometimes it seems easier to just surrender everything and let urself be carried off by the wind to a world without cares.

I dont know if you'll be reading this cos u're reported as "missing" since last Friday.

I hope you'll be fine and that u're located very soon. Best wishes for a fast recovery from this heartbreak for you and for me. :)

Anonymous said...

Put God first in your life. Let HIM decide who and what is best for you. SOmetimes what we choose in life is never the right thing for us. God knows best.

yinderella said...

gurl,
shit happens and not all things goes our way. It's like the number one rule in life set by God. YOU HAVE TO STAY STRONG. Stay STRONG. STRONG.I believe that u can do it. My faith and hopes are held high just for you. Don't fail me now....

Anonymous said...

I hope your dreams will come true! But if they don't, then you know GOD has other plans for you. Things happen for a reason. This could just be another blessing in disguise...who knows?

Whatever it is, hope that you will eventually find your true happiness!

adriantai said...

hi... just sharing my bit. we have all been thru this at one time or another but time heals all wounds... here is something i would like to share with you... something i learnt along the way...
"we come to this world with nothing. nothing is ever ours and nothing will truly be ours. even the person we call our husband or wife. or even our children. but over the course of our life, people will walk in and out. while they are with us, live & enjoy every moment of it. when they are no longer with us, be happy & glad that we got to spend it with them. just like a bar of chocolate, we hope the last bite will never comes. but it still does. and what do you know...? we have a new bar the next day. there are many more things out there. the fun of living is not knowing what happens next and still be excited and happy about it."

vic vic said...

excuse me..i think ppl like u(toobad) who doesn't even know how to respect ppl at all, should just keep ur mouth zipped!!aren't u being shame of ur own words?u've juz disgraced urself here..i hope u wouldn't find ur way here again n PLS stop disturbing my fren anymore!!

Ripcord said...

It's funny because only a year ago, I felt everything you listed above when my girl left me. I mean EVERYTHING including the recurring dreams, the tears, the haggard look and not wanting to live. But out of maturity I also knew that all I needed was time. As hard, painful and bitter as the going was, I just had to hold on to my life, however worthless it felt, and this too shall come to pass.

I don't want to patronise you or sound like a smart ass but I swear, I am the least likely person on this Earth to lose the will to live. Check out my blog and you would see I love my life 99% of the time. So it shocked me when I felt that way last year, the way I thought I never would.

Why did I think I would never lose the will to live over love? Because I've learnt from 2 close friends who committed suicide(at separate incidents) for the same stupid unrequited thing they call LOVE.

Kai Hao said...

I understand your feeling. Eventough you are a female writer, me as your male reader, I feel the same thing too. I have the same case as you. I cried a lot for her. I am hoping, and praying... that the miracle will occur...

nemo said...

Shut up vicvic, you are only embarrasing yourself.

sonia said...

Hey, it's nice to know that ur at least trying to get on with life, to do stuffs that u like, hang out with other ppl, etc...

And idle mind is the devil's workshop. So keep praying and hope this feeling will past someday! U'll surely be alright with the support & faith / love in God. =)

Meanwhile, I do hope ur alright, and not missing....

God bless!

vic vic said...

oh..really?so treating other ppl rudely is d right thing to do is it?do u noe wat's d msg written by d person b4 me previously?only those who've read it before it was deleted will know who's actually embarrasing themselves here..

Anonymous said...

vic vic, r u a gal or a boy?

vic vic said...

i'm a girl..anything wrong with that?

never know said...

haha... vic vic must be her enemy in chasing the boyfriend. If not how come she is so responsive...

U guys think so? Michelle, just ignore this little girl..

michsue said...

huh? i haf no idea whatcha talking about... vic vic is my good friend... i even posted pics taken on her bday... cant u see? dun say anything if u dunno anything... i'm confused la... =S she was defending me cuz a person who called himself/herself "toobad" posted something nasty about me but that person deleted his/her comment... that's why u cudnt see what that person posted... vicky was just defending me ler... jorr... *smacks forehead*