[UPDATED]: It's Better To Have Loved, And Lost, Than To Never Have Loved At All

Yesterday morning when I woke up, I checked my contact list on MSN Messenger and I saw Vince's personal message. He was clearly pissed at someone/something so I SMSed him and said that I hope everything would be fine. Then he called me for the first time since that night at my office (when he freaked me out with haunting stories) and I sleepily answered his call. I sounded like I didn't wanna talk to him altho I was glad he called... -_- "Way to go, Michelle," I mentally chided myself. I usta be a morning person but I guess I ain't as perky as I usta be... *shrugs* I think I sounded a lil' grouchy even... =/ But Vince was too pissed off about his situation to notice, I think... =P Whew...

So anywayz, I tried to perk up a lil' as Vince talked about his situation and hearing his voice made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside altho he wasn't saying anything romantic... *blushes* Yeah, I know whatcha thinking. Just shoot me... =P

Okie, I'm gonna come clean. I'm into him. But nothing's ever gonna happen between us. Nothing romantic, that is. Why, you ask? That's because he's into someone else... =) But that's okie. I've went thru so much turmoil in the past year that I've learnt that love is not a selfish thing. When you truly love someone, you want that person to be happy, not own him/her. So I'm happy just as long as he's happy... even if it means he's happy with someone else... =) He' s single, btw... but not for long, I reckon... he's quite popular with the ladies... ;P

Oh my... did I just say LOVE?! @_@ Erm... well... LOVE is a big word... I can't say I love him... but I can't say I don't... maybe I just love him as a friend... *shrugs* I truly do adore him; that's a fact. I love his mind... his heart... his soul... =) And his smile too... ;P My heart skips a beat every time he smiles at me... ^_^ Most of all, I love the way he makes me feel about myself. Little did he know that he was becoming that special someone to me... someone who could make my heart beat fast and slow at the same time... *sighs* Too bad he's into someone else. Every time I think about it, I feel this lingering ache in my heart.

However, he has become a special friend to me and I dun wanna ruin the special friendship that we have. Altho I would love to be with him, I don't think that's ever gonna happen. I'm trying my hardest not to fall in love with him cuz loving him would be like, trying to reach a star. You know you can never accomplish it, but you just keep on trying anyway. I don't want that to happen. Look what happened between Dan and I. We're friends again but we can never be as close as we usta be. I don't want Vince and I to end up like me and Dan. I want Vince and I to be like Lucas Scott and Haley James (of One Tree Hill): BEST FRIENDS.

I stumbled upon Li Ann's blog post about love and it made me miss the feeling of being in love: http://dee-el-gee.blogspot.com/2007/11/those-days.html

To be honest, as much as I wanna be swept off my feet again, I'm perfectly aware that he and I will never be more than friends. It did bother me a lot at first... but I figured that having him as a close friend is better than not having him at all... =)

I've been thinking a lot about control and how much we wanna be in control of our lives. We wanna be able to determine the outcome of things thru our actions. We wanna believe that we have control over our lives and our place in the world. While we may be able to work hard at things, many occurences in life just aren't within our control.

I've been feeling this a lot in my singlehood and some brothers and sisters in Christ have been sharing with me a lot about surrender and making a daily decision to surrender my deepest desire to be with someone. I guess we can't control whether or not a person will fall in love with us. We can't control the share market. We can't even control the outcome of our work. The actions of people around us affect everything and nothing is truly predictable.

Does it make sense to some of you to believe in a God who loves us so much and takes care of us regardless of whether we appreciate it or not? I hope to learn how to be secure and comfortable with who I am rather than to let anyone judge me with a measure that he or she can't possibly hold up to. It's not the easiest of things though.