Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I Tear My Heart Open, I Sew Myself Shut... My Weakness Is That I Care Too Much

The clock shows 6.08 a.m. That means it has been an hour and a half since he text me, saying that he ain't coming to my house later. Ever since I got that msg, I tried to sleep but to no avail. As a lone tear trickle down my cheek, I realized how incredibly stupid I am for allowing him to hurt me this much.

At 1.50 a.m. just now, I was on the phone with him. We were talking about a good friend of his, Mister H. I wasn't condemning nor criticising Mister H... just implying that he was a pessimist and that he was influencing the ppl around him. Maybe my approach was harsh as he said my words hurt him and that I was being disrespectful to his good friend, Mister H.

I apologized to him sincerely, saying that I didn't mean to offend him. I could tell that he was really hurt so I kept apologizing. I even asked for his forgiveness in my usual manja way. He said he forgave me and he said he wasn't mad so I thought everything was cool. So I went on talking about today as he was supposed to come over. I was happily telling him what time he should come over and all that jazz. When he claimed that he was tired, I told him to get some rest. It was 2.05 a.m.

At 4.38 a.m., I got an SMS from him. He said he won't be coming today. He made up some lame excuse about his mom's car but I reckon that he simply didn't wanna see me. Otherwise, he wouldn't say he was tired at 2 something (just to make me hang up, I presume) but was wide awake till 4 something. If he REALLY couldn't come cuz of his mom's car, he could have said so when we were talking on the phone earlier. So I knew he had been thinking a lot after we hung up the phone and he finally decided not to see me today hence the SMS.

I tried calling him right after I received that msg but he didn't pick up the phone. I thought he was really asleep but when I realized that my calls were being cancelled on purpose, I stopped calling. I came online just to text him via the DiGi website cuz my phone ran outta credit. When there was no reply, I tried calling him again but he didn't bother to answer the phone.

When I was on the phone with him earlier, I was being very open about my feelings for him. I was telling him how much he meant to me and that losing him would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Moreover, I posted about my unforgettable weekend with him ( just a coupla days ago. That's why I feel really heartbroken now.

Imagine this: for the very 1st time in your life, you open up your feelings to someone you love the most (it's like stripping yourself naked in front of that person) but instead of appreciating your openness, he pushes you onto a bed of thorns, bare naked. If he did that literally, it wouldn't hurt as much because physical pain cannot be compared to a throbbing heartache.

I thought I saw a man brought to life,
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified,
He showed me what it was to cry,
Well, you couldn't be that man I adored,
You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for,
But I don't know him anymore,
There's nothing where he used to lie,
My conversation has run dry,
That's whats going on;

Nothing's fine, I'm torn,
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel,
I'm cold and I'm ashamed, lying naked on the floor,
Illusion never changed into something real,
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn,
You're a little late, I'm already torn...

Now I feel incredibly stupid for being so open and transparent about my feelings just now. I told him that I loved him. I told him that he meant a lot to me. I told him that I never loved anyone else as much as I loved him. His response? "I know." And then what happened after that? He lied about his tiredness just to make me hang up... and made up some lame excuse for not coming over today cuz he didn't wanna see me... and he prolly cancelled my calls on purpose cuz he didn't wanna talk to me.

He said he forgave me... he said he wasn't mad... so why the cold treatment? How about the times he lied to me? Did I ignore his calls in the wee hours of the morning? I guess I didn't have the heart to do that. Amazingly, he did. IF he didn't ignore my calls on purpose, I'm sure he'll call me as soon as he's awake. IF he doesn't call me back after seeing all those missed calls and my SMSes, I would know that he DID ignore my calls on purpose.

"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut... my weakness is that I care too much."

I gotta love myself more.
I'm so tired of being taken for granted... so tired of ppl treating me this way.
I dun wanna be so stupid anymore.
Everytime I fall in love with someone, he would hurt me real bad.
Remon... Eric... HIM.

I wouldn't say they're all the same cuz he's WAY better than the rest.
But he hurt me real bad.
My heart aches so badly right now.

When I'm in a relationship, I tend to give more than I receive.
I should stop doing that.
It's stupid to love someone more than he loves you.

"To love someone, you must learn to love yourself first."

The problem with me is that I love myself too less.
I become too selfless in a way.

It's 6.48 a.m. now. My whole family is awake. I have to try to sleep now. I hope he'll explain to me later WHY he had to hurt me so much. If he doesn't call me by today, I would know that he's not even worth my tears.

"No man is worth your tears... and the one who is, won't make you cry."


CURRENT HEART CONDITION: Bruised & Wilted, Bleeding Profusely
POSSIBLE CURE: Survival Kit for the Brokenhearted

Too bad the Survival Kit for the Brokenhearted doesn't exist...


cybermate said...

Sad-nya, what you feel I understand. So be strong. It's hard. But I know you can do it! Love is not perfect lol. Nor is relationship. There are always flaws. Happy and sad. Blissful and pain. It's what make love LOVE and relationship RELATIONSHIP. I am here if you need an ear or a shoulder.

[ s y e n ] said...

ouch. it always hurts the worst when someone u love gives u the cold shoulder like dat.

here's something we did at Planet Shakers' conference last yr. It was kinda like a healing time and the pastor asked us to ask the Holy Spirit to exchange all our negative feelings for positive ones. exchanging sadness, hurt, bitterness, hate, insecurities.

everytime i feel down in the dumps i just pray this and everytime it works. =)

hope u get this tangle sorted out.

God bless~

michsue said...

thanks for caring, y'all... i appreciate it... i really do... thank u...

aNgeLic JuLiA said...

hey..i din see this post yest...
then today suddenly everything popped out. u ok? din reply my msn yest :( i sad oso :P but glad everything is back to normal now. been there, done that ;) sounds familiar? hehe

michsue said...

sorry that i did't reply... i was away la... its funny that ppl just ignore the fact that i put away... i think that's because a lotta dumb ppl put away altho they're not... =S anywayz, when i put away means i'm not at my pc... and when i put busy, means "do not disturb"... =P thanks for the encouragement, gurlfriend... ;D

aNgeLic JuLiA said...

oh u were? oops. but that day u were online oso u never reply me :(

michsue said...

harh? i was away la... if i was online, i wud haf replied ur msg... i mean, why wudn't i...? ish... *slaps Julz real hard*